Helping Your Kids Build Healthy Tech Habits

Today it’s difficult—if not impossible—to get through a day without using technology and the internet. Children and teens want (and maybe even need!) more and more access to the internet, yet as parents and caregivers, we often hesitate giving our children that access. That hesitation is especially true for our children impacted by adoption and foster care. Many of our kids have already experienced loss, trauma, or broken trust, and the online world can bring risks and big feelings that can hit them harder. 

Our job, then, is to not only help our children and teens create healthy boundaries and habits, but to also walk alongside them as they learn to use technology in ways that keep them safe and keep them connected to us. The four tips below can help you get started. 

Choose devices and access based on your child’s needs, not just their age. 

There is not a one-size-fits-all approach to technology for children and teens. When thinking about your family, consider the ages of your children, their maturity level, and what they actually need technology for. While a 7-year-old does not need unmonitored access to a phone, a teen who is independent and drives might need more ways to communicate.

For kids impacted by trauma and loss, it’s also important to think about their developmental age. A child who experienced early adversity may be 14 on paper but still struggling with self-regulation and judgment. This is not a bad thing. It’s a reflection of their story and a reminder that more support and guidance is needed, particularly in the beginning. 

Consider starting with phones that are designed with kids in mind. Many of these “dumb phones” can’t access the internet and can only contact approved numbers. Alternatively, you can use a parental control app that allows you to monitor and control access to different apps and settings.

Create screen-free zones and times—and provide needed support during transitions. 

Create very clear boundaries for when and where phones are not allowed. Common “no phone zones” include bedrooms, bathrooms, and the dinner table. Also create a “phone home” by mounting a holder on the wall near a charger. Keeping the phone plugged in at this spot creates a makeshift landline with clear physical boundaries for phone use. 

Many parents choose to set phone-use hours from bedtime through breakfast, using either a shared charging spot or parental control apps. (These parental control apps also allow you to create specific time limits for your child’s phone.) Sleep is vital for every child, especially those whose brains and bodies are still learning safety and regulation.

Turning off a screen is a transition, and transitions can be hard for many children impacted by trauma. Remember that giving a heads-up (“Five more minutes, then it’s time to plug in your phone”) or offering a choice (“Do you want to put it on the charger, or would you like me to?” can prevent a meltdown and help your child feel empowered, rather than controlled. 

Normalize monitoring and rules.

Let your child or teen know that you will be monitoring the content on their phone, including texts, contacts, social media usage, and apps. Explain this is not only to build trust in technology use but also to keep them safe. When monitoring is predictable and shared openly, this will be safety rather than fear. 

If your teen is on social media, many parents require the accounts be set to private and stay aware of who their child follows and who follows them. Again, share this expectation with your child up front to further build that sense of safety.

And remember: When setting expectations around phone use, you will also be setting an example through your actions!

Keep discussions open around tech use.

Make technology a regular topic of conversation, not a one-time thing. Let your child or teen know they can tell you, without consequence, if anything feels strange, uncomfortable, or unsafe. A strong connection with you is the best protection your child can have.

Check in with your children about trends and apps, and discuss whether they are smart and safe. And if your child or teen approaches you with a compromise on expectations and guidelines, celebrate that! Asking respectfully and working out things together are skills we want for our children. Remaining open to these conversations shows their voices matter.

Our friends, the Hanlon family, share how they manage phone usage with their children. Be sure to check out their video on hopeforthejourney.com. And if you are interested in learning more about caring well for your children and teens day in and day out of life, begin your Hope for the Journey subscription today.