TBRI® Parenting: How It Helps Children Flourish

Human beings are more than the sum of their hardship. That’s a vital truth our friends and partners at CAFO (Christian Alliance for Orphans) highlighted last summer in a blog post on the Global Flourishing Study. At Show Hope, we could not agree more—yet for children and teens impacted by trauma, those hardships are often barriers to thriving. Understanding this is what drives our Pre+Post Adoption Support work, particularly with TBRI parenting (or Trust-Based Relational Intervention^®). 

Trauma Affects the Whole Child

Children and teens impacted by adoption and/or foster care have often experienced trauma, stemming from loss, early abuse, and neglect. This trauma can show up in complex and confusing ways, often mistaken for defiance. In some communities, a trauma response is even labeled as nothing more than “sin”—without understanding or addressing the totality of it. TBRI, however, takes a much deeper, holistic approach. 

Trauma impacts the whole self—brain, biology, body, beliefs, and behaviors—which often leads to social, emotional, and behavioral challenges. According to our partners at the Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development (KPICD), “TBRI offers a practical, compassionate approach to helping the whole child heal. Grounded in best practices from neuroscience, attachment theory, and developmental research, TBRI helps caregivers address children’s physical, emotional, and developmental needs—offering what punitive approaches cannot: connection, regulation, and lasting change.” 

As parents and caregivers, it is critical that we have an awareness and understanding of our children’s “whole being.” This requires being mindful of the experiences that have shaped their heart, soul, and mind. The resource “Created to Connect” sums it up well: “By loving and nurturing our children in this holistic way, we can give them … an opportunity to heal and become whole, even as we teach them about and point them toward the source of everlasting hope in Jesus Christ.”

See the Need Behind the Behavior

A common saying in TBRI is both simple yet profound: “See the need behind the behavior.” 

The truth is, it is hard to see beyond our children’s behaviors, especially as they reach those pre-teen and teenage years. But that’s exactly what our children need for us to do. More often than not, our children and teens are operating from a deeper need, especially those impacted by trauma. Sometimes, that need is easy to spot: hunger, exhaustion, sensory overload. Other times, it’s more complicated: loss, abuse, or abandonment that leaves a child locked in fear, confusion, or shame.

Trauma breeds shame, confusion, and fear, and those emotions can drive big behaviors. In those situations, if our response is anger or if we jump to consequences or punishment, we don’t calm the fire—we only add fuel to it. 

Isn’t TBRI Parenting Just Soft Parenting?

Some have criticized TBRI parenting as being too soft or all nurture and no structure. But the reality is, TBRI promotes a balance of both nurture and structure. 

TBRI co-creator Dr. Karyn Purvis even addressed this head-on. In “Created to Connect,” she poses the question many parents ask: Isn’t it my responsibility to teach my child right from wrong and discipline accordingly? Her answer is yes, but the deeper question is what we’re aiming at. If the primary goal is simply “good behavior,” that goal will shape every interaction we have with our child. But if our primary goal is a strong, healthy relationship, our approach and our results will look very different.

The Gospel and TBRI 

In Scripture, Jesus also looked to “see the need behind the behavior.” In the Book of John, Jesus encounters a woman at a community well. As he speaks with her, we learn about her unhealthy relationships—likely an attempt to fill a void in her life. Like many children impacted by trauma, she was seeking a safe, close relationship or connection. Yet her behaviors were actually hindering her from finding what she really needed. 

Jesus never excused her behavior, but he also never let it become her whole story. Instead, he saw beyond her behavior to what she actually needed: a relationship and connection that would change her from the inside out.  

From Correction-Driven to Connection-Driven

Our children also need to know God’s love for them and the hope and peace found in Jesus. As parents and caregivers, they can experience that love through us. 

This means shifting from correction-driven to connection-driven. We have to understand the need behind the behavior first and learn how to nurture those needs. From that place—and that place only—we can then move to correction where we lovingly point our children to a life that is truly flourishing.  

Want to go deeper? Dive into Hope for the Journey for practical TBRI-based tools and strategies today.