Understanding Anxious Attachment

An Introduction to Anxious Attachment

What is your attachment style? It’s a question you may have been asking yourself since we first published our “Understanding Attachment Theory” blog post. We recently unpacked secure attachment, and now, we are examining more closely anxious (or preoccupied) attachment. According to the Cleveland Clinic, “Anxious attachment is a type of insecure attachment. People with anxious attachment often have a fear of rejection and abandonment. They may seek validation from someone outside of themselves.” Some common signs of anxious attachment include clinginess in relationships, a low self-esteem, and a fear of rejection. While you may recognize these characteristics in yourself or someone you know, it is possible to scaffold to secure attachment. Before we go there, let’s examine anxious attachment in children. 

According to The Attachment Project, “Referred to as anxious ambivalent attachment in children, anxious attachment develops in early childhood. Most often, anxious attachment is due to misattuned and inconsistent parenting.” Anxious attachment in children can look like a child becoming very distraught when separated from their parents yet also not easily comforted in their parents’ return. Children who are identified as anxious ambivalent may also be very distrusting of strangers compared to other children who are more securely attached.

Signs of Anxious Attachment

Children who are identified as anxious ambivalent in their attachment style often grow to wrestle with abandonment fears, need constant approval from others, and can become distressed when relationships end. In addition to those already mentioned here, the following are common signs of anxious attachment in adults, as outlined by the Cleveland Clinic: 

• Feelings of unworthiness
• A high sensitivity to criticism 
• Difficulty spending time alone 
• Feelings of jealousy

Tips From The Attachment Project

As you think about attachment styles in regard to your children, teens, or even yourself, it’s easy to overthink and begin to wonder, What am I doing wrong? I’m a total failure. Yet it is imperative to note: Anything other than a secure attachment style within a person does not equal a parenting failure. There are, in fact, several contributing factors. But the good news is, there is always hope and help. With insight and practical tools, like Trust-Based Relational Intervention^® (or TBRI^®), you can begin building more healthy, secure, and trusting relationships with your children and teens, only further laying the groundwork for a secure attachment style in their futures. And as you think about yourself and your own attachment style, consider these tips from The Attachment Project: 

• Recognize your behavioral patterns in relationships, and remember being mindful of them will make the issue easier to solve. Self-realization is key. 
• Analyze and work to make sense of your childhood experiences. Past experiences do not have to affect and/or predict the present and the future. 
• Consider working with a therapist or counselor.

Additional Resources

Parenting is hard—no questions asked. And while our journeys can be exhausting and challenging, there is much beauty and hope to experience as well. Children and teens need to know they are safe, secure, valued, and loved, yet key developmental and relational needs are often overlooked with traditional parenting models. If you are in need of further tools and resources, whether it be developing secure attachment within your children and teens or more in-depth training and equipping, we encourage you to learn more about our Pre+Post Adoption Support work, including our new online platform, Hope for the Journey.