Show Hope Book Club: Wounded Children, Healing Homes

Wounded Children, Healing Homes

“Written more than 15 years ago, Jayne Schooler’s “Wounded Children, Healing Homes” remains deeply relevant for foster and adoptive families. Her reflections on unmet expectations, parents’ own trauma histories, and the impact of a child’s trauma on the family were especially helpful and encouraging to me,” Show Hope Director of Programs Justin Myers said. 

“Schooler addresses the hard realities of foster care and adoption with care and tact—never casting blame. Few books offer the same blend of heart, experience, and wisdom she brings to her writing.”

Chapter 1 – Embracing a Love Like No Other: A Story of Hope

• The author of chapter one notes that her two boys needed “new skills and abilities to replace these innate, survival instincts” (manipulating, lying, hiding, sneaking, hoarding). How does this shift from thinking about these behaviors in terms of just getting rid of them (page 21)?
• On pages 22 and 23, the author states that she was surprised by the emotional and cognitive space that her adoption required. Did you have the same experience?

Chapter 2 – The Power of Unmet Expectations

• Is it surprising to learn that unrealistic expectations are one of the top reasons for adoption disruptions? Why or why not?
• Of the 10 expectations listed in this chapter, is there one that you relate to the most? Why or why not?

Chapter 3 – Adoptive Parents and the Impact of Their Own Personal Trauma History

• On page 43, the author of chapter three quotes Deborah Gray with “a traumatic stress reaction is a normal reaction to an abnormal event.” How does this quote impact the way you view stress reactions—from your child and yourself?
• Have you noticed anything from your childhood that came up that surprised you, either in parenting or other relationships? 

Chapter 4 – Attachment, Development, and the Impact of Trauma

• On page 61, behaviors take on more meaning. Is there a behavior that you have seen in your child that you had to look deeper into the meaning of?
• Were you surprised to learn that attachment trauma is one of the most top risks to a child’s health?

Chapter 5 – Living With Traumatized Children: The Impact on Parents

• Jayne Schooler, the author of chapter five, states that “every child who enters foster care has a story … that story will impact those who love them.” How have you seen this in your family?
• Look at the analogy on page 75 about parents and children seemingly speaking different languages. Can you think of an example of this happening in your home?

Chapter 6 – Living With Traumatized Children: The Impact on Birth and Other Adopted Siblings

• Looking at the definition of attunement on page 90 (having a true understanding of what your child thinks and feels about a particular issue), do you feel as if you have attunement with your children? Why or why not?

Chapter 7 – Confronting the Crisis of Adoption Breakdown

• The author of chapter seven states that “there are two types of family relationship created by commitment rather than biology: marriage and adoption.” How does this change your understanding of adoption?

Chapter 8 – Managing the Crisis of Adoption Breakdown

• Look at the “translations” listed on page 133. Have you heard any of these in your home? Have you heard any other statements that could be “translated?”

Chapter 9 – The Maltreated Child in School

• After reading through the list of executive functions in this chapter, does one stand out to you that your child struggles with? Do you struggle with any?
• Discuss the quote “Ultimately, maladaptive behaviors by traumatized kids are efforts to elicit care-giving behaviors from adults. They need adults to act like adults, and they will test us to the extreme to ensure they will be kept safe in an unsafe world” (page 153).

Chapter 10 – School Interventions for the Maltreated Child

• Think about the quote “If a child can’t learn the way we teach, maybe we should teach the way they learn.” How does this change your perspective on your child’s struggles in the school setting? What accommodations could be made to help them learn?

Chapter 11 – Living With Children With Attachment Trauma: Understanding the Terminology, Diagnosis, and Parenting Strategies

• What are a few practical ways that you could practice seeing things through your child’s perspective?

Chapter 12 – Taking Care of Yourself: The Parent’s Neglected Task

• Look at the Principles of Self-Care for Foster and Adoptive Parents that are listed on pages 190-206. Is there one of these that you feel you excel at? Is there one that you need to practice more?

---

Join us in May as we discuss “Loving God: The Cost of Being a Christian” by Charles Colson.