How to Build Connection in Your Marriage

How to Build Connection in Your Marriage 

In TBRI^® (Trust-Based Relational Intervention^®), we aim to build relationships with our children and teenagers through fostering trust, felt-safety, and connection. Through the different TBRI principles, strategies, and practices, we want the bond we share with our children and teens to be strong and firm. And the truth is, many of those same strategies and practices can be used to build a healthy, safe connection in your marriage as well. Parenting is hard and can easily distract us from our relationship with our spouse, but that trusting connection in your marriage is one you cannot ignore. The following are some tips for building connection in your marriage. 

Connect one-on-one every day. 

Just as our children and teens need 10 to 20 minutes of distraction-free attention each day, the same can be said for your spouse. Perhaps it’s early morning before the kids are stirring or later evening once they’ve gone to bed, spend, at least, 10 minutes with your spouse. Ask about his or her day, and listen—really listen—to what the day held. And yes, please turn off the TV, close the book, or put down your phone. Aim for no distractions. 

Go on dates—regularly. 

We know finding time for a date night can be challenging—not to mention how expensive an evening out can be. But date nights are critical. These evenings away from the kids are great for relaxing and unwinding together. The key is to have fun together—again, with minimal to no distractions. And if possible, avoid complex, weighty conversations. Just relax. While nights out may not be possible, order food in and watch a movie together after the kids are asleep. 

Practice mindfulness. 

Identify thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors that influence your relationships. To build true connection and trust with your spouse, you need to understand what might be hindering you from connecting with and trusting your husband or wife. Find time to talk and listen(!) openly to your spouse about barriers in your marriage. In those times of discussion, you may even find that counseling is needed.

Incorporate engagement strategies. 

Be fully present when talking with your husband or wife. Stop what you are doing. Look into his or her eyes. Listen to his or her words, and try to empathize with the joy or pain your spouse is experiencing. Valuing eye contact and using healthy touch are also engagement strategy tools that reinforce connection, safety, and trust.

Speak truth in love. 

There will be times for hard conversations in your marriage, and those conversations may include you correcting your spouse. In those times, be honest and direct with each other, but always remain compassionate, kind, and understanding. Choose words that are constructive or helpful, and at all costs, avoid unnecessary hurts.    

Pray together and for each other. 

At Show Hope, the greatest gift one could share is that of prayer. It is something we do not take lightly. We are committed to the truth that prayer is, in fact, essential to our daily lives and relationships. If you are not used to praying together, it may seem uncomfortable at first, but with time, it will become second nature. Also set aside concentrated time each week to pray fervently for your husband or wife. 

Parenting is hard and can often distract you from your relationship with your husband or wife, especially when your family is built through adoption or foster care. Yet the tips mentioned above—many derived from TBRI—are great steps you can take in building connection, trust, and felt-safety with your spouse.